Podcast #48 - La Bise, the French kiss of friendship
Janine: Bonjour and a very warm welcome to the Good Life France podcast from sunny France! I’m your host Janine Marsh, I’m British, from London as you may be able to tell from my Cockney accent, but I have lived in the far north of France, in beautiful, rural Pas de Calais for several years and I consider myself almost French in my heart. Each month I visit a new destination in France, travelling by train across the Hexagone, l’hexagon as the French call France as it’s a bit hexagone shaped, and I share my travels with you on The Good Life France website and The Good Life France Magazine and in my books. When I’m not travelling or writing, or looking after my 52 animals – dogs, cats, chickens, ducks and geese, I love to chat to you on this podcast alongside my podcast partner Olivier.
Oli: Bonjour tout le monde, and yes a great big bienvenue, welcome to the podcast. I’m Olivier, Oli for short and I live in the south of France, in delicious Lyon, the gastronomic capital of France though I lived in the UK for 20 years so, in my heart I am a little bit British! We are like entente Cordiale Janine and I.
When I’m not chatting to you here, I work in the world of radio and music, I’m a presenter on a radio show – the drive time slot! So that’s us, the podcast duo who love to tell you everything about France and on that note, let’s get stuck in! Janine what are we going to be talking about today?
Janine: Today we’ll talk about la bise! That’s French for the kiss, but not just any old kiss, this is the kiss of friendship that I am referring to, the tradition the French have of kissing on the cheek when they meet friends and family. One of the etiquette rules that confuses just about everyone new to France is kissing! Do you or don’t you kiss someone when you meet them? How many times do you kiss them? We’ll take a closer look at a French custom that's both a greeting and a symbol of social etiquette.
Oli: Oh – this is going to be interesting – and a lot of fun! While many might think of a romantic kiss when they hear "French kiss," la bise is actually the cheek kiss used among friends and family in France. So, let’s pucker up and dive into the fascinating world of this friendly peck!
The act of kissing as a greeting has a rich history in France and varies not only from one region to another but also across different social settings. To understand la bise, we need to first explore why this gesture became so ingrained in French culture.
Janine: Historians say that la bise likely originated with the Romans, the Latin word basium was used for a kiss that signified affection, they had two other words for kisses that implied friendship, or a lover’s kiss. The popularity of the friendship kiss has waxed and waned since then, and the practice stopping in the 1300s due to plague. It didn’t return until many years later and the practice evolved and spread throughout Europe, including France.
Oli: In France, la bise can certainly be traced back to the early Middle Ages when it was a gesture reserved for the upper classes. But over time it became democratic and common for ordinary people too. It was seen not just as a polite way to greet someone, but also as a way to show trust and camaraderie.
Janine: Right let’s get down to the nitty gritty, the practicalities! Performing la bise is not as simple as it might seem. The number of kisses, which cheek you start with, and who you kiss varies across France.
Oli: It’s true that the etiquette of la bise can be quite complex. Generally, you start with the right cheek, but not always. And the number of kisses can range from one to four, depending on the region. For example, in Paris, it’s most common to give two kisses, one on each cheek. But if you travel to Corsica, you might give three, or in Nantes, just one.
Janine: The basic etiquette rules in France for kissing are – if you’re meeting someone for the first time, shake their hands, don’t lunge at them and try to kiss them on the cheek, they will think you’re very odd! Cheek-kissing comes later and only ladies to start, cheek-kissing between men is strictly for relatives and very good friends! This being France, rules can be broken and sometimes people do kiss you when you meet them for the first time - so the advice is general.
Oli: Yes la bise is customary among friends and family, it's less common in a formal business setting. But it can vary greatly by personal and regional preferences. And once you do la bise the first time with friends or a neighbour, you have to keep doing it. Not just once or now and then when you feel like it. It’s obligatory!
Janine: I got my first taste of French life when I stayed with a French family in Paris on a school exchange. I was fourteen, I’d lived all my life in London which was and still is very different from Paris. I discovered boulangeries, patisseries, bistros, the goûter (a small snack in the afternoon, which was always a chouquettein my case, a little pastry balloon covered in crunch sugar sprinkles), drinking coffee out of bowls and greeting friends and family with a kiss: la bise. It all seemed incredibly exotic compared to life in a London suburb. I wanted to be French right there and then.
Now that I live here, I know that nobody actually knows the correct number of times to faire la bise; there’s even a website called combiendebises (HowManyKisses) which aims to help by encouraging people to log how many kisses are appropriate in their region. Apparently only one kiss in Finistère in Brittany, whilst some regions claim a lip-smacking four kisses are the norm. And which side first: the left or the right? That differs too, according to where you’re from – generally to the right, but in the far south, to the left. And while kissing as a greeting was largely dropped during the Covid days, I see no sign that the practice has gone for good – the French still do la bise!
Oli: Absolutely, many French people reported missing la bise as an aspect of their daily life during the Covid times, it really does play a crucial role in social bonding.
Janine: I have to say it feels fairly normal to me now I’ve been in France so long, but I would never have kissed my friends in greeting in the UK. When I go to our local bar, the owner gives me a kiss on the cheek, and so do my friends there. Sometimes it can take a while before you get to place your order. There’s a restaurant at the back of the bar and if we go in there the chef stops cooking and hops round from the kitchen to plant kisses (two in this area). If we know people in the restaurant there are more kisses. When it’s time to leave we start again with the kisses!
Oli: And when you get on a train to go to work in the morning and you meet friends – you kiss. And in some offices colleagues greet with a kiss.
Janine: Honestly I find that quite weird still, I might have had to quit my job in the UK if I had to kiss some of my bosses in greeting!
Oli: Well actually it’s not that normal to greet the boss like this! And if you met the President you wouldn’t give him a kiss either, it’s not protocol! And if you go to a government office to sort out your taxes for instance – nope, don’t try to kiss the person helping you! But if you’re in a supermarket maybe, though in rural areas mostly, not so much in cities, it’s quite usual for people to kiss the person working at the counter as they pay for their goods!
Janine: I think my record for la bise is 52 in one day! But that’s not unusual.
I once was in a restaurant with my husband once where there was a birthday party. The first two guests to arrive for the party were soon joined by another two, and I watched as they swapped kisses, three of them, left, right, left. A group of four arrived, they made their way round the table, three more kisses per person. Then another couple, and another. It was fascinating to watch. Non-Frenchies might shake hands across the table and order a beer or two while waiting. It wasn’t like that here. Everyone waited until the whole party had arrived before ordering even a glass of water. There were 24 chairs round that table. I was beginning to think the restaurant would close before they could eat, when finally they were all seated. By then we’d got through our starters, main course and were awaiting our desserts. 24 people, 3 kisses each at the start, 3 kisses each at the end, that’s.. erm 144 kisses per person – makes my record look a bit poor!
Oli: Yes weddings and parties are like the marathon events of la bise! Actually there is even a kissing festival in France! La Festo de Poutoun, or the Festival of Kisses. It celebrates the arrival of the relics of Saint Valentine in Roquemaure in the Gard region, southeast France. once a year everyone in the town starts kissing anything and anyone that moves. For a whole day, Roquemaure hosts the world’s longest and most passionate “snogathon, the world’s first and so far only kissing festival, held in honour of the patron saint of lovers on a Saturday near St Valentine’s Day – but only during even years, on odd number years there is a 3 days festival of lovers!
Janine: And the town attracts lovers all year round who come to renew their vows in front of a glass cabinet which looks like an aquarium at the church in which are said to be the somewhat macabre mortal remains of Saint Valentine - some ribs and shin bones. And the relics are what started the festival off, they arrived in 1868 after being bought at an auction in Rome apparently to bring back to the area to protect the vines from disease, and according to the legend it worked!
Oli: St Valentine’s Day is quite a recent thing in France although the saint was martyred on 14 February in the year 269. The Roman Emperor known as Claude the Cruel -
Janine: He sounds like fun!
Oli: - yes, no, not really, he had Valentine’s head cut off for caught performing illegal Christian marriage services for Roman soldiers. And when Valentine refused to renounce God, that was his lot. While awaiting execution he cured his jailer’s daughter of blindness. He became the official patron of lovers in 1496. In Roquemaure they have a special post office selling envelopes and stamps, signed with a loving kiss from “La Capitale des Amoreux”.
Janine: Sounds like a lot of fun that festival. And a lot of kisses. The whole kissing thing is so
so different from say the US or the UK where we men tend to shake hands when they meet and women to hug.
Oli: Oh no in France – never hug when you meet friends!
Janine: No no, I tried it a few times – horror!
Oli: What happened?
Janine: Honestly my friend Benoit when I hugged him he pulled away like I was a giant snake, that smelled of poo and was on fire!
Oli: Yep, we French find hugging a bit too much to be honest! Do not hug a French person!
Janine: My French friend Benedicte, who works in PR in Paris says she finds it extremely odd that we wish to press our bodies together, wrap our arms round each other and stand there like that!
Oli: Yes I agree with her! In France - stick to la bise please!
Janine: Oli – as a Frenchie, what are your top tips for listeners who might want to practice la bise?
Oli: Just go with the flow and follow the lead of your French friends! And don’t stress too much about getting it perfect; it’s the gesture and the intention behind it that truly count.
Janine: There you have it – Oli’s right, don’t stress about it, even if you get it wrong, people will just smile and appreciate you trying!
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode about la bise, a key element of French culture and discovering the historic roots and regional variations of this really charming and much loved custom that continues to play an essential role in French social life. We hope you enjoyed this peck... I mean peek at la bise!
Oli: Yes indeed, terrible pun Janine, but we hope you’ve enjoyed this episode, and enjoyed discovering the complexities of the French cheek kiss that’s all about friendship and etiquette.
Janine: Remember don’t hug in France. Faire la bise. And everyone will live happily ever after!
Oli: We just want to say a huge thank you to all of you listening to our podcast and to everyone for sharing it too. We really love sharing the France we know and love with you, the authentic and real France with its wonderful history, culture, gastronomy, wine and more. It always amazes us that people are listening in about 150 countries around the world!
Janine: Yes thank you so much everyone, wherever you are, we really appreciate it. You’ve been listening to me Janine Marsh and Olivier Jauffrit. You can find Oli at parischanson.fr playing heaps of great music, and you can find me and a ton of information about France – where to visit, culture, history, recipes – everything France - at thegoodlifefrance.com where you can subscribe to the podcast, a weekly newsletter about France and my totally brilliant, completely free magazine which you can read at magazine.thegoodlifefrance.com.
But for now, it’s au revoir from me.
Olivier: And goodbye from me.
Janine: Speak to you soon!
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